In 1968 Carol and I became associate pastors of a church in the state of Washington. We would often visit parishioners on Sunday afternoons to become better acquainted with them. One couple who had been married for about 20 years, and who seemed to be frequently unhappy, invited us for dinner. I'll call them Barney and Sue.
After a pleasant southern-style meal including sweetened iced tea and light conversation, we sat in their parlor for what I thought would be a polite after-dinner discussion before we left for home. But Sue surprised us with a disturbing story.
"You know that Barney is from the south and I'm from the north. The day after our honeymoon, I wanted to please him and make him feel special.
"So taking a hint from his mother, I got up early and fixed him grits, eggs, sausage, and southern-fried hash-browns. I tried to fix them the way his mother told me to. Oh yes, I got him coffee and orange juice, too, with a cinnamon roll. Then I brought it all in to him on a lap-tray, and served him in bed. I thought he would be delighted and love me for it. But you know what he did?"
"No." I responded. But looking into her eyes, I could tell it wasn't good.
"Without a word, he got up, carried the tray of food to the kitchen, and dumped it all down the garbage disposer -- including the coffee and roll."
Barney interjected, "And I told her that wasn't the way I like my eggs. All I was trying to do was to help her remember how I like my eggs. But she didn't respond very well."
"I told him I will never fix him breakfast again as long as I live," Sue said with a note of anger -- or was it hurt? -- in her voice. "And I haven't."
"That's right. But she never would tell me what ticked her off so bad. I thought she should just get over it and fix my eggs the way I like them."
That was quite a load for a 22-year-old associate pastor with no counseling training.
With the best of intentions, Sue missed one detail. And with a great misunderstanding of human nature, Barney made a major mistake. He crushed his wife, and her hurt became buried so deeply that she would never discuss it with him, although she was willing to tell the story to her pastors.
Barney never accepted the fact that he should ask Sue to forgive him, and she closed up like a clam which encapsulated her hurt. Like the water that gets trapped for centuries in an underground aquifer, Sue's hurt will stay buried unless someone helps her find a way to release the pressure.
The admonition of "Just forgive him, dear, and let it go. He didn't mean any harm," doesn't even come close to clearing the record for Sue. That's like digging 12 inches into the ground to reach the 1,300-foot deep water table.
This is only one of millions of examples where one partner offends the other with no feeling of remorse because he or she is self-obsessed. So, what can the "Sues" of life do? They cannot wait until Barney repents or asks for forgiveness; that might take too long -- or might never happen.
Although it may be difficult, Sue must remove her focus from Barney -- and remove her focus from the hurt -- in order to relieve the pressure and to receive healing from the Lord. I am not talking about divorce, but about healing. Sue must place her focus, her trust, her life in the capable hands of Jesus -- her true, eternal Husband. And she will need to pray for Barney while she receives counseling and support from mature Christians. And don't argue with Barney.
As for the Barneys of life? The Apostle Paul gives us a powerful statement in Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it."
First Peter 3:7b has a potent admonition: "If you don't treat your wife as you should, your prayers will not be heard." That is a stiff warning from the Lord!
Husbands, you cannot develop a deep love for the Lord if you don't truly love your wife. So pray for her. Learn to love and be gentle with your bride. Honor our Lord by honoring your wife.
-- Gene Linzey is a speaker, author, mentor and president of the Siloam Springs Writers Guild. Send comments and questions to [email protected]. The opinions expressed are those of the author.
Religion on 02/15/2017