I thought I'd call and check in with my arachnophobic friend Eddie the other day. Though he lives in a small town in Missouri, he is quite social; so I wondered how he was holding up with social distancing.
"Hey, Eddie, seen any good spiders lately?" I joked when he picked up.
"Bud, don't even go there unless you want to hear me puking my guts out, and the only good spider is a dead one." I knew not to continue on this topic. Humor is not appreciated by those with real phobias.
"So how are you handling all the coronavirus news? Any big changes made?"
He snorted loudly. "Heck, the dogs have sided with my wife and are threatening to vote me out of the house. I may end up living in my shop."
"You aren't ill, are you?"
"No, but we are getting on our nerves. You know people can only take so much of my crap. I'm not the one with the problem, though. The wife just doesn't appreciate me making the best of things."
My interest rose. I knew Eddie was not prone to being stuck indoors doing nothing. "So, what's the problem?" I asked.
"Well, with the toilet paper shortage, and us being on a septic system, I started looking into getting a bidet. You know, one of those toilets that shoots water on your bum to clean it. I figured the septic would be better off without so much paper in it, and we wouldn't have to worry about TP supplies. But, poop-on-a-stick, those things are expensive. Even the converted toilet seat bidets cost way too much for my liking. So, I decided to rig my own."
"You made your own toilet seat bidet?" I asked. "Oh, do tell how that went!" Eddie's penchant for engineering was great when it came to stock cars, but indoor plumbing? I had my doubts.
"Look, it's basically a pump with a mini-nozzle, right? I figured the hard part would be getting the nozzle to aim correctly."
"But...?" I said. "Something unexpected happened?"
"Ok, yeah, 'butt' is probably the right word. I had an old electric power washer, so I hooked the pump from it to the toilet tank. Then I connected some aquarium tubing from the pump to the underside of the toilet seat."
"You didn't use duct tape, did you?" I asked.
"Hell, no, that's something you dumb Arkies would do! I bolted that sucker right into the seat."
"Sounds like a plan, did it work?"
"Well, the results were mixed. I sat on the seat when Nature called, switched on the pump, but it was really noisy. Then the water hit. But not where it was needed. Hit me square in the family jewels. That made me fall off the seat, clutching my privates. The pump was still on, and water was shooting up all the way to the ceiling. Water got into the light fixture, and it shorted out. So I'm lying on the floor, in the dark, getting wetter, and I'm screaming! The wife runs up, sees what's happening, and starts yelling at me. Of course, that makes me yell back, then I see she's pointing at something. I look, and there's a big hairy spider on the floor. It's half-drowned, but that means nothing to me. I get up and run out of the bathroom, but my pants are around my ankles, and I fall again. The wife grabs the spider, WITH HER BARE HAND, and tosses it into the toilet. Then she turns the pump off. By now, I'm telling her how much I love her, but she's just plain mad!"
"I guess it will take a while to live that one down," I said, trying to be sympathetic while laughing.
"No kidding, Captain Obvious!" he said. "I just need to add in some type of pressure regulator. I'll do that when I get my bathroom privileges back. Plus, my next project will get me back into the wife's good graces."
"Which is?" I ask, not sure I really want to know.
"I'm going to make her some fashionable face masks to wear when she goes into town. I've got some sackcloth and HEPA filters I picked up at an auction a while back. Should fit right in with the new normal around here. Bet your wife would want them, too!"
"Wow, yeah, Eddie, I've got another call coming in. Talk to you later." I hang up quickly.
Who knows, maybe he's on to something. I'll wait and see how his wife reacts first.
-- Devin Houston is the president/CEO of Houston Enzymes. Send comments or questions to [email protected]. The opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 04/29/2020